Euthanasia – killing? or the gift of love?

I’m sitting here with Golly in my lap. He is my brain damaged cat who made a miraculous recovery. Neither he nor I are in any danger of dying any time soon, but as I look at his trusting little face I know that someday I’m going to have to make a decision about the end of his life.

I have only found the courage to have one of my cats sent to sleep – in 30 years – and that was only about 6 years ago. It’s a decision that I find terribly hard to make, and so I procrastinate, hoping against hope for a miracle until it’s too late. Yet it’s not the process itself that sucks away at my courage, it’s the fear of the pain I know I will feel, when my furkid is gone.

Rosie was a gorgeous tortoiseshell cat with a personality to match. But she was already thirteen years old, and she was sick. I watched her, day by day, and I told myself that so long as she could find some pleasure in every day, she was not ready to go.

And then one day it was obvious, even to me, that the awful day had come. The vet had been warning me for a couple of weeks, but it was not until I saw Rosie staggering around in obvious distress that I found the courage to help her.

We are incredibly fortunate to have a gentle, caring travelling vet who will come to the house. I called the vet, and she came. I asked that Rosie be given something to ease the pain and make her drowsy. Then I asked that I be given the chance to hold her so she would feel no fear.

The vet inserted a thing into Rosie’s leg so when it was time the chemicals could be introduced to her body without any further trauma. And then the vet left, giving me half an hour with Rosie.

I’m crying now, remembering that moment, but at the time I locked my emotions away and just cuddled her in the big recliner. She was mostly asleep but I could feel how relaxed she was.

The daugher and I stroked her and talked about all the funny things she had done – like climbing up onto the roof – regularly – and then crying piteously for me to climb the ladder and get her down. Given that I’m scared of heights this was no small feat, and she made me do it at least six times before the then Husband put his foot down and said she was messing with my mind. She was. When she realised I wasn’t going to climb the ladder this time, she came down all by herself… and never did the roof thing again!

And so we reminisced, until the vet returned. She asked if we were ready. I think I nodded. I saw the needle go into the thingie in Rosie’s leg and then I saw the vet check her with the stethoscope.

“She’s gone.”

There was a note of surprise, and relief in the vet’s voice. And then my tears came.

I wasn’t crying for Rosie, I was crying for myself. For Rosie, the end was without struggle or pain or fear, just a gentle drifting away. She knew she was safe. She knew she was loved. And so she just… let go.

But this post is not about Rosie, it’s about how we define euthanasia, for humans.

In all the talk about euthanasia, the language seems to imply that there is a ‘victim’ who is ‘killed’. This language has the effect of making people feel guilty – as if the person could live a much longer, happier life but is having that time cut short.

That’s a load of bunkum. What people with terminal illnesses are asking for is to have that last struggle eased so that they can slip away as gently as Rosie.

Make no mistake, dying is a struggle.

I sat with my Father for two days, listening to him struggle for each breath. He had a morphine ‘driver’ that automatically sent a low does of the pain killer into his body every hour or so. I don’t think he was in pain, or even conscious in a real sense, but at some level his body was still fighting to pull air into his lungs.

Comparing those two deaths that I have witnessed, I know which I would prefer. Yet for humans, that last act of love and compassion is forbidden. People with terminal illnesses can’t ask their loved ones to help them in those last awful moments because any such help could see those loved ones prosecuted. Doctors can’t help either, for the same reason.

So those who are dying have to circumvent the law. Worse still, because they have to be strong enough to take their own lives, they are dying too soon. And they are dying alone.

I truly believe that when there is nothing more to try, when the last treatment has failed, when nothing remains but palliative care, we, as a society should have the courage to offer the gift of a gentle death.

When should this gentle death be offered? When the person, and his or her family have accepted that death is inevitable, and imminent.

I’m not talking about letting people die months before they might die naturally. I’m talking about the days or hours before natural death, when the person is ready to go, but their heart refuses to stop beating. They are facing the final struggle and there will be only one outcome. That is when the gift should be offered. Not to kill, but to ease.

For me the difference between ‘kill’ and ‘ease’ is so huge I cannot put it into words, yet if this debate is ever to help the dying, we all need to see that difference.

I still hate the thought of anyone or anything that I love dying. That will never change. But Dad, and a small tortoiseshell cat taught me that death is inevitable. How we deal with death, however, is not.

To me, euthanasia is the gift of love.

Meeks

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About acflory

I am the kind of person who always has to know why things are the way they are so my interests range from genetics and biology to politics and what makes people tick. For fun I play online mmorpgs, read, listen to a music, dance when I get the chance and landscape my rather large block. Work is writing. When a story I am working on is going well I'm on cloud nine. On bad days I go out and dig big holes... View all posts by acflory

45 responses to “Euthanasia – killing? or the gift of love?

  • Tasha Turner Lennhoff

    I can’t find the link but keep your eyes out for an organization in the US called “the rest of your life”. They are supposed to be running a pilot program and hoping it gets picked up and funded nationally to help people understand what “do not resuscitate” (DNR), “don’t tube me”, mean and what health care directives/living wills can and can’t do, as well as talk about options such as hospice and home health aids that let you die in dignity.

    I know weird for a 46 year-old to be so involved in this stuff huh? 3-4 years ago I had a couple of surgeries and the hospitals were very big on living wills. In Judaism once you are put on life support it can be almost impossible to be taken off. So I spent a fair amount of time researching the issues, talking with my doctors and rabbi.

    When affordable health care act came up and the discussion of death panels I looked into what those were. Turns out death panels were “rest of your life” discussions with non-doctors/3rd parties to help you decide on DNR and options that your doctor might not mention for fear of being sued for malpractice for not doing everything he could to keep you alive. You know those treatments he wouldn’t opt for himself.

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    • acflory

      I’m going to look into what’s available here in Australia. And no, I don’t think that’s weird at all. Becoming aware of our own mortality can strike at any time. It’s not pleasant, but it’s far better than sticking your head in the sand and playing ostrich!

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      • Tasha Turner Lennhoff

        It really freaked people out how much effort I was putting into it a few years ago. But between routine tests and surgeries I went under anesthesia 4-6 times in 2 years and by the 2nd surgery and all the forms I had to fill out that warned me I could die I was taking it all seriously.

        With the car accident I found out I’d been tubed (my living will says no) but there was no way for emergency services to know that. I now know that there was little question of whether I’d live. The only question was where on the range of total vegetable (a very real possibility) to brain fully functioning I’d fall. Thankfully I’ve fallen on the almost fully functioning brain side.

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        • acflory

          I believe while there’s a real chance of quality of life as well as quantity of life the effort should be made. You are living proof of that. And please forgive me for this, I’m not trivializing your experience in the slightest, but my golly is another such miracle. He suffered brain damage after being hit by a car. He was microchipped and a good samaritan found him and took him to the vet. When I got there Golly knew me. That was all the info I needed. He came home unable to feed himself or drink and when he tried to walk he walked in circles. And he was virtually blind. But he was young and now, after two years he’s recovered some sight and can jump and even hunt mice. He’s a happy cat and I’ve never regretted not listening to the vet.

          But when there truly is no hope, no hope at all, then prolonging life just because you can is… wrong, imho.

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          • Tasha Turner Lennhoff

            Oh for sure since I turned out ok it was the right decision. If I’d been a vegetable I’d never know so it wouldn’t matter to me. But the idea of spending 20-60 years as a vegetable makes my skin crawl. I worked in a nursing home as an aid from 16-19. I wouldn’t wish a vegetative state on my worst enemy and their family.

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          • acflory

            Yes, it’s a horrible scenario. 😦 I think everything comes back to quality of life, or at least the /hope/ that there will be quality of life.

            I wouldn’t have an issue with some of those procedures if /stopping/ them when hope fades was not so hard. And that seems to be the problem – once life support is turned on, there is no commonsense point at which it can be turned off without massive trauma to the family and all sorts of legal hoops to negotiate. I believe a state close to brain death should be reason enough to turn the machines off with fuss or bother.

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  • Tasha Turner Lennhoff

    Advanced health care directives. While each state and country has different laws around the issue this article has good information on what different things mean to help you in setting up a living will or advanced health care directive before talking to an attorney http://www.helpguide.org/elder/advance_directive_end_of_life_care.htm .

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  • Tasha Turner Lennhoff

    How doctors choose to die. I thought this article might be of interest. I read it last month http://www.alternet.org/personal-health/doctors-secret-how-die-right

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  • lynnecantwell7

    Great post, Meeks.

    I’ve done pets both ways — two have died with medical intervention and one died without — and I think euthanasia was a more humane and peaceful experience for everyone concerned.

    Both of my parents died from cancer, and while I think both wished for a quicker end, I wonder whether either of them would have gone for it. As for me, I’d opt for the more peaceful passage, thank you very much.

    Death is a topic we don’t want to talk about very much. I think part of the problem is the Western system of medical training, which encourages doctors to keep patients alive, whatever the cost or quality of life. And too, as others here have observed, the legal system calls it murder, even when the patient is ready to move on. It just seems like we need more compassion for the suffering of people at the end of their life. And I too hope the Baby Boomer generation can make a difference on our way out the door.

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    • acflory

      You know it’s funny but when my finger was hovering over the Publish button I had a moment when I wondered what the hell I was doing posting something so…not upbeat and happy. Reading all these amazing comments I’m so glad I didn’t listen to that little voice. I can’t tell you how much these comments, and us actually talking about death, has meant to me. It’s truly been cathartic. Thank you, and let’s hope our generation can nudge things in a more humane direction.

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  • Yvonne Hertzberger

    I have been in both situations – taking a cat to be put to sleep when it was time – and watching my mother for 8 days as she faded away, brain dead but still breathing. She never ought to have been put on life support after her heart attack and they paddled her 28 times to get her heart beating again. The doctor told us she was brain dead. But, even though she had a non-resuscitation order and my sister requested no life support, the doctor refused until I could get there, 14 hours later, and agree with my sister. By then her natural breathing and heart had resumed so that it continued even after life support was removed. She ought to have been allowed to die with the original heart attack. It was what she wanted. She already had Alzheimers and poor quality of life. Then, she ought never to have been put on life support – against her wishes. And so we had to watch for 8 days for the end to give her relief. Society really needs to look at death, and indeed life, differently. I am not in favour of hastening death, but as you say, there are times when not prolonging breath (I can’t call it life) is a mercy and not a crime.

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    • acflory

      I can imagine how terrible that must have been for you and your sister. That doctor was a bastard with a god complex. I think technology, including medical technology, has outstripped the ethics that should rule it. I just hope society finally does have that conversation about death. No one wants to die but it is as much a part of life as being born. And leaving life with dignity should be a right, not something that’s subject to the whims of others. 😦

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      • Yvonne Hertzberger

        Thank you. Yes, it’s a conversation that’s long overdue. The physician’s oath says “First, do not harm”. I believe what often happens at the tail end of life is just that – harm.

        Thank you for opening this discussion. Perhaps it will get more people thinking about this and talking about it. That is what will eventually turn the tide.

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        • acflory

          Great point Yvonne. From what I’ve read just in the comments here, it’s obvious that great harm has been done, not just to those who have died, but to those who are left to mourn them.

          We Baby Boomers have led the way in a great many things so perhaps it’s fitting that we lead the way in talking about death.

          I know that younger people don’t want to even think about dying. That’s fair enough, I know I didn’t want to think about it either when I was younger. But it is a fact of life and the longer we all ignore it the longer the more taboo it becomes.

          First we have to stop the harm, then we have to accept that we have a right to die gently.

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  • Catherine

    Bit too painful for me to go into very much… the emotions are still raw even 6 years later and probably will be forever.
    Within a few months of each other my beloved cat and my precious mum died. Nearly broke my heart to have to make the decision to end “sweetie boy’s” life but was the right thing to do for his sake.
    A few months later my mum should have had a “peaceful passing” as had my dearly loved sister-in-law as I sat with her and helped her “pass through” which was Yvonne’s wish. What an honour eh?… But no… the spiteful “sister-in-charge” at the Nursing Home refused to increase the morphine to the level approved by the doctor, some 4 days before, if mum “needed” it. Mum certainly needed it and she passed in agony and anguish with me helpless to change anything.
    I do need to mention that mum and this woman, who had power over her in her final hours, were not “the best of friends”… which is putting it mildly. Euthenasia is practiced by some, especially in “palliative care”, but just given a different name. Nobody should have the power, like this spiteful excuse for a “human being”, to do what she did to my mum.
    That all… now I will cry some more. Maybe one day the tears will stop. Probably not until I too have “shuffled off this mortal coil.

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    • acflory

      Oh Catherine….hugs, hugs and more hugs. 😦 What a cruel woman. I just feel sick thinking that someone like that can have such awful power… and use it with such malice. Dad was so lucky. All the doctors and nurses were genuinely fond of him and tried to make his passing as easy as possible. It’s scary to know that not all medical staff are as… humane.

      Perhaps by talking about it we can start a very small ball rolling in the right direction. Please be kind to yourself.

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  • tdmckinnon

    Well, Meeks… you certainly picked a subject to stir the emotions here. When I was younger, there were several times in my life that I was a blubbering mess when I finally admitting it was time; leaving it far too long, and then being too upset to be of any comfort to my poor furry companions in their final moments. The strange thing was that I had faced my own mortality on several occasions and by which I was never really fazed.

    When I finally got my act together for one of my furry friends it was Sarge, a seven year old 135lb Malamute/Rottweiler cross. He was like a big teddy bear. Diagnosed with cancer, I had him on pain killers until it was obvious they weren’t doing it for him anymore. I cuddled him as I whispered that everything was going to be alright – while the vet administered the final needle – and he went to sleep nuzzling me; we stayed that way as he drifted out of this world. And then I bawled my eyes out.

    After my mother had suffered for months with terminal cancer, I sat with her for three days and nights while her body clung to life as she drifted in and out of consciousness waiting for the end. In the middle of the third night I held her hand and whispered to her that everything was going to be alright, that she should just let go… and that’s when she finally passed away.

    Sorry for the long, emotional retell, thank you for the opportunity to vent, and thank you for the lovely post.

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    • acflory

      Ah TD, this made me tear up, in a good way. Thank you. It’s so trite to say thank you for sharing but this really has been a sharing. For me this is a good pain because it helps me remember those I’ve loved. Sometimes it’s good to remember, and feel those raw emotions again. You know?
      -big hugs-

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  • pinkagendist

    I’m ardently pro-euthanasia, of course. Taking in very sick animals has meant that through the years we’ve had our more than fair share of making that decision. My first instinct is to always say, let’s wait one more day. Mike’s response is always that if it were me in pain, I’d never forgive the person who made me wait one more day.
    I read recently that Belgium is considering a law that allows people in the early stages of dementia to make this decision for themselves. I hope that by the time it’s my time, I get to choose too.

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    • acflory

      Sadly I’m in the ‘wait one more day’ category too.

      Here in Australia we’ve had attempts to make euthanasia legal but they’ve always been scuttled. Like you I hope the next generation of politicians are less blinkered than the last. And I hope I’m still around by the time they finally make euthanasia a right for all of us.

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  • davidprosser

    I couldn’t agree more having not only had to put beloved pets to sleep before now but also having lost more than my share of family to evil cancers. Even with palliative care you sit beside loved ones watching that automatic struggle for breath taking place. Even with a shunt delivering morphine you can’t tell the degree of suffering that person suffers. More than I are grateful that a manual boost was added to my mothers ‘driver’.
    Euthenasia is legal in Switzerland. But to add the stress of finding air fares for the one who is sick and whoever accompanies them is cruel. Then the returning party may be charged with assisting a suicide or whatever when they get back is awful. Plus there is no chance to harvest any useful organs when the death takes place abroad.
    Governments need to take notice of the feelings of the people on this subject now.I understand the fears that some have that doctors may take the decision for the patient as might someone wishing to inherit but that can be overcome by having the wishes of the patient known to say a panel of three doctors with all three deciding when the time has come.
    Hugs to you. xxxx

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    • acflory

      Yes… 😦 I too wondered about Dad. What he was really feeling. There has to be a better way, a more compassionate way and I hope ‘they’ find it before all of us Baby Boomers reach the point of needing that kind of help.

      Sorry to bring back painful memories. -big hugs-

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  • Jennifer

    What’s lovely powerful and tear inducing post. I hate to be in the position for our dog and heaven forbid my parents or other family.
    Why is it that is is quite normal and accepted to do this to our pets – probably because they don’t have voice that humans do – a dot our human companions. You would think that being ale to talk would give us the right to SAY what we want. Animals have their way of dealing with this. Dogs will often, when able to, wander off to a quiet spot to die on their own. If that is not a sign enough. For those able, suicide rates are likely to go up (??) if we can’t legislate this properly.
    I am all for it. Ease the pain, dying with dignity…

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    • acflory

      Thanks Jennifer. I know a lot of people have strong religious views about euthanasia, or worry that legalizing it could lead to abuse, But… doing nothing is just plain cruel. 😦

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  • EllaDee

    Both events you have described so beautifully are very painful to contemplate both from your sadness and my own… I had to have a little break after reading or it would have been overwhelming and I’d be crying too.
    Of your experiences I have been through the first but not the second, thankfully. I was always on the side of euthanasia but only since experiencing closely the deaths of loved ones, furry and otherwise, euthanised/palliatively assisted and natural (and my own ADE), do I have a frame of reference.
    But I still can’t tell people what to think or do, and there will always be some who get to a wall on euthanasia and organ donation that they won’t even peer over. Dogma, fear, I don’t know.
    I do know it’s a hard decision to make, having had to make it for my 2 cats, but even harder for my dog in the circumstances when I couldn’t get her that ease of passing and I wish I could have, had I known what was to transpire. and, I know I was relieved that my grandmother received palliative assistance.
    The G.O. and I have unofficial but written, signed living wills and are of the same mind. Regardless of if euthanasia becomes legalised or as the situations stands now, having these emotional conversations letting your wishes be known to family & loved ones is the best thing to do, as you have done. That way if they ever have to make a decision, support yours or be there at the end, they have the reassurance of your beliefs and words.

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    • acflory

      I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to upset anyone. I just felt compelled, literally, to write that post today. Believe it or not I’m not feeling morbid or anything. I think this is all part of my awareness that life is always too short. And that we have to savour every moment of it.

      I’ve heard of living wills but never thought to make one for myself. Now I’m definitely thinking about it.

      Take care of yourself and live each day to the brim!
      -hugs-

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      • EllaDee

        No, no, no need to be sorry, they were thoughtful, happy reminiscing almost tears. It takes a lot of heart to say goodbye 🙂
        You are braver than me, I have no furry-ones but we will in good time, and the lessons I learned will benefit them I hope.
        All we can hope is to live, love and learn.
        We sourced a form of living will online but your solicitor may also be able to draw one up.

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        • acflory

          -hugs-
          I had a normal will done to keep Dad company – seemed less morbid with both of us doing it, so I’ll probably go back to the same solicitor but thanks for letting me know they’re available online. 🙂

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  • Tasha Turner Lennhoff

    I’ve always thought we treated animals better than people. I had to mark the first decision about euthanizing 2 kittens when I was ~7. Some family emergency came up so my aunt instead of my mom took me to the vets. They were diagnosed with feline leukemia back when their was nothing that could be done and I had to consider other animals they’d come into contact as well as they pain they’d be in. So I had them put to sleep. I don’t know how many times I’ve made the decision since. I will not watch an animal be in pain when I have a choice. Sometimes I think my family thinks I’m callous because I don’t struggle like they do.

    Frankly I think if a person is in constant pain with a terminal illness it is cruel not to give them the same option we do our pets. As someone whose been bedridden for over 10 years quality of life really matters. When you’ve lost quality of life being alive is not living. I still have quality and some day whatever is wrong is likely to simply disappear. But I’ve watched people in constant pain, they can’t read, can’t find a comfortable position, all they do is be in pain, with doctors visits to be told “they are becoming depend ant on the pain pills so they can’t have a higher dose” but they only have weeks to months to live in excruciating pain. If we won’t let them be put out of their misery than at least put them out of their pain.

    I think you touched a button. Sorry for such a long, emotional, and controversial response.

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    • acflory

      -hugs- Please don’t apologize. That button was there to be pushed. That is the problem, not that you spoke from the heart. We all shy away from death. It’s maybe the last, great taboo subject, but I believe we need to have this conversation, all of us. I’m just glad that you still have joy in your life.

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      • Tasha Turner Lennhoff

        I’ve been suicidal since I was 10. I was shocked to find out I fought for my life for 3 days in ICU after being hit by a truck in March 12, 2012. I always thought if death came I’d welcome it. I guess I was wrong.

        I have no fear of dying. I do fear lingering on in pain and having no quality of life. That to me is the ultimate nightmare.

        I was working on some stuff related to my blog yesterday and found my 1st post after the accident. It was posted March 28th from rehab just a few days before I was released. Passover was about a week later and I know I was working my butt off to be home in time to prepare for it. Not like a little brain damage, broken scapula, broken ribs, bruises everywhere, and glass still in my body was going to keep me from supervising others in getting the house properly cleaned, stuff pulled out of storage, and food taken care of. And I wonder why my doctors, physical therapist, and psych team were all looking at me like I was crazy.

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        • acflory

          -giggles- I’m sorry! I just had to laugh at your determination! Yet perhaps that is exactly why you survived, and why you went home, and why you are a function human being. 🙂

          You know, as horrific as that accident, and its aftermath must have been, you discovered something pretty amazing about yourself in the process. And I think it’s made you an even stronger person. That can never be bad. -hugs-

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          • Tasha Turner Lennhoff

            Oh please giggle away. It was pretty funny. And yes the doctors were torn – they kept saying “you need to rest your body and brain” – then they’d say “we can’t figure out why you are recovering so quickly what are you doing?”. I’d answer “I’m working on my business on the laptop 6-8 hours a day & I’m doing as much extra walking and taking care of myself as I can, like no one is allowed to help dress me” they’d shake their heads and say “well that explains it but you need rest”. Now why would I rest if I knew I was recovering faster because I was working & doing more? We’d repeat this every couple of days.

            Over 3 months ago I had one of my “suicidal attacks” as it started to happen I took my Xanax and had the following thought “this suicidal stuff is stupid, you could have died when hit by the truck, while in OR, while in ICU for 3 days, and not left people with any guilt, obviously you don’t want to be dead so enough already”. And that was it. Attack stopped and I haven’t had one since. Psychiatrist said the attacks may be gone since I was able to think that clearly & laugh at myself. If not he said I’m likely to pull myself out again as quickly laughing at myself until they stop altogether.

            I can’t even describe what it’s like to know that being hit by a truck really might have been a blessing in disguise. If only it hadn’t re-triggered the chronic fatigue I’d be ecstatic.

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          • acflory

            That is truly amazing Tasha – both your physical recovery and your mental transformation. My late father used to be a gymnast and even in his 60’s he would start doing gentle exercises asap after a surgery [he had a number of surgeries, most fairly minor but one involving the kidneys]. And his recovery rate was phenomenal. These days the doctors get you up and moving much faster so I guess the medical establishment has finally caught up with you and Dad.:)

            As for your mental transformation, I see that as a real world miracle. Maybe in facing your fears you cut them down to size? I’m just so glad you’ve experienced this particular silver lining. I can’t comment about the chronic fatigue but I suspect you’ll conquer that in the same way you’ve conquered the aftermath of your accident and the suicide attacks. 🙂

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  • Carrie Rubin

    A difficult subject for sure. Not sure what the right answer is, though I tend to believe the decision should be left to the individual, especially when they’re at the end of their tether and all other options are exhausted. I’m sure it’s especially raw for you having to have experienced it with your father and your beloved pet.

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    • acflory

      To be honest, the catalyst for this post was an interview I saw on TV not long ago. The woman in the interview was around my age and she had something terminal – can’t remember the name. The disease? condition? was progressing slowly but it was already starting to become debilitating. She spoke about what awaited her and it was pretty raw, but it was what she said about having to kill herself while she was still /able/ to do so that really struck a chord with me. I venerate life and believe that it’s worth living so long as you can find one small thing of value every day. But here was this woman who would have to give up those last few precious months because the system refused to help her.
      -sigh-
      Sorry, I guess this has been percolating in my mind for quite some time and memories of Dad and Rosie just brought it to the boil. 😦

      Like

  • Ilil Arbel

    Absolutely. I wish we could do it for humans. We can’t, just yet. We CAN do it for our animals. Never let an animal suffer!

    Like

  • jenniferscoullar

    Wise and powerful post! Thank you. Have shared …

    Like

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